His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
