she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
