I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
