Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
