Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
