Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
