what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
