yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
