Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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