we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
