there's paper in my vomit.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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