What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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