I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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