The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
