Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
