So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
