she looked like the before picture.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
