i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
