Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
