Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
