I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
