Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
