Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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