all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
