You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
