I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
