Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
