I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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