mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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