Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
