You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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