what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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