I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
