You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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