I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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