She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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