You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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