I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
