dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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