Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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