so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
