I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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