I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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