So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
