Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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