The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
