If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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