I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
