Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
