dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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