It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
