I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
