just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
